A new relationship is the best solution against heartbreak. Is it true?
When I told a friend of mine that I had written a book about how to overcome heartbreak, she said, "Oh, it helps to just fall in love again." But is it really that simple?
In a happy relationship we usually experience a lot of trust, closeness and physical contact, so our brain regularly produces happy hormones like dopamine and oxytocin. A break-up suddenly removes all of that, so our bodies go cold turkey. If we immediately start a new relationship, we are spared this cold turkey.
Furthermore, we often feel lonely after a break-up because suddenly we no longer have someone by our side all the time. Through a new relationship, we can continue our habit of sharing our life with someone. This softens the impact of a break-up.
Sounds great, doesn't it? However, there are a few catches, which I would like to discuss in more detail below.
Heartbreak goes through different phases, and depending on which phase you are in, a new love can have different effects. If you've just been dumped, your self-esteem is often at rock bottom. In this state, dating can have a fatal effect. Since our self-confidence is low, we lack charisma. If we then realise that we are not well received by the other person or are dumped, this drags us down even further.
It can also happen that you want to rebuild your bruised ego with the help of your new partner and thus demand too much from him or her or cling too much. This is not very attractive for the new partner and can lead to a quick end of the new relationship and thus to another heartbreak.
It is even worse if you compare the new partner with the ex and the new one comes off worse. Was the ex more sensitive, more loving, more on your wavelength? Was the sex with your ex much nicer? Then you miss your ex all the more and it hurts even more to have lost him.
Furthermore, every person is special and deserves to be recognised by the partner in his or her individuality. If we only look for a replacement for the ex in the new partner, we do not do justice to the partner, do not discover his or her special characteristics and he or she does not feel seen by us.
We often lose ourselves in relationships and forget who we really are. More often than not, we unconsciously take our patterns, roles and ideas with us into the new relationship and put our template on the new partner and the new relationship. This means that the next break-up and the next heartbreak are pre-programmed. Besides, no one deserves to be used to alleviate another person’s grief. That is why a dating break is so important. It gives us time to reflect on our role and realise who we are without a partner.
Another reason why one should not rush into the next relationship is that the heart needs to heal first. This healing process requires time and self-care. This phase should not simply be "skipped". Anything unprocessed will sooner or later come knocking on your door again, and will continue to do so until you finally open the door. Being alone allows you to focus on yourself and find out who you really are. When you are healed from the inside out, the new love will come into your life on its own. It is necessary to take time to get to know yourself and learn from past experiences before entering into a new relationship.
After a break-up, you have the opportunity to deal with your own demons. This process may be unpleasant, but in the long run it will lead to you being able to live a self-determined and happy life, regardless of whether you are in a relationship or not.