Example of a work

Situation: Sabine’s (name changed) partner has asked for time to clarify for himself whether he wants to continue the relationship or not. Sabine is suffering greatly, has the feeling that her life is nothing but waiting and is checking her messenges several times a day. She is at the end of her tether. The thought that causes her suffering is: I must’nt lose him.

 1) I mustn’t lose him. Is it true? Yes.

2) I mustn’t lose him. Can you absolutely know that it’s true? (After a long pause:) No.

3) How do you react, what happens when you believe this thought?  I'm desperate, I feel helpless, I think about what I can do to convince him of us all the time. I’m crying for days on end.

How do you treat him when you believe the thought?  Like someone I absolutely need to live, someone I can't live without. I attribute immense importance to him. 

How do you treat yourself when you believe the thought? I make my entire happiness dependent on whether he still wants to be with me or not.

What are you incapable of when you believe the thought? I'm not able to let him go. I'm not able to accept a life without him. I can't even think about it.

What images from the past or future come to mind? How I lost my best friend as a child because he died. And from the future: how I'll never get over the separation.

Is that reality (is it happening right now) or is it mental imagery? Mental imagery.

4) Who would you be without the thought (in the same situation)? Without the thought, I would be in the here and now and not in the future. I would wait and see what happens. I would be with myself, going on with my life. Without the thought, I would be ready to let him go if he no longer wants the relationship.

Turnarounds:

It’s ok to lose him.

- I can have a good life without him (once I’m over it).

- I've gotten over other break-ups too.

- It’s ok to lose him if he's not happy with me.

I mustn’t get him back.

- because it's possible that the fights won't stop.

- because it might only delay the break-up.

- because I don't know if I want him back for the right reasons.

- because I don't know if I'm the best person for him.

I mustn't lose myself,

- by doing everything I can not to lose him.

- by making myself dependent on whether he wants the relationship or not.

- because I am the most important person in my life.

- I mustn't lose myself in worst-case scenarios.